Goodnight, Brianne
There were a lot of disingenuous, biased and outright hostile questions asked by CNN moderators at tonight’s (1/14/2020) Democratic debate but the single most ridiculous, inane question was when Brianne Pfannenstiel asked Bernie what he would do so that residents of persistently flooded areas in the path of climate change would never have to relocate.
Honestly, what is the answer to that supposed to be? Did I miss something? Are the candidates running for a 4 year term as president so they can pound the bully pulpit, sign bills into law and issue executive orders, or are they vying for a gig as an omnipotent Creator who can command the forces of nature and bend the very laws of the universe?
Because as far as any of us know, increased warming causing sea level rise and all the fires, floods, droughts and superstorms that go with it are already in the pipeline. All that is humanly possible, even in a best case, all hands on deck scenario, is to adapt to what we must adapt to and try to prevent or mitigate even worse outcomes.
(I know, I know…Obama promised to “turn back the tides” but that was a metaphor, and besides he didn’t really mean it…as we later discovered when he embraced his “all of the above” energy “policy.”)
But ok, what the hell…in the event that we should find ourselves in an alternate, Bizarro World universe, here’s the imagined response that Brianne was perhaps angling for:
BERNIE: So glad you asked me that, Brianne and thank you for raising the plight of the underwater farmers of Iowa.
I am, maybe, just maybe, the only candidate on this stage who can respond to this crisis, and I’ll tell you why. As you know, Brianne, I come from a Jewish family, and as it turns out — little known fact — we have a special connection to Moses. Yes, Brianne, that Moses…the one who parted the Red Sea. Well, that magic water-parting staff he used was not lost to history, Brianne. It has been passed down in my family for generations and I have it somewhere in my house right now. As soon as I get back to Burlington, Brianne, I intend to dig it out…should be in the attic, or maybe the hall closet…I’ll ask Jane if she’s seen it.
And once I lay my hands on that staff, Brianne, I’m gonna hop right back to Iowa. See if I don’t. I’m gonna be all over this state, Brianne, like an amendment on a must-pass budget bill. And I can assure you, Brianne, (Waves his arms about wildly) I’m gonna raise that sucker and smite those waters like the guy who wrote the damn bill! Those flood waters are gonna part, Brianne, like a corporate lobbyist and the suitcase full of money he just carried into Mitch McConnell’s office. Those fields are gonna rise again, Brianne, like a CEO’s bonus package after a raid on the workers’ pension plan, and the good farmers of Iowa can carry on without a care in the world. They’re gonna be chuggin’ along, Brianne, like a midnight meeting in the basement of the Russell Senate Office Building, even as the rest of the planet drowns under 30 feet of water…except those other parts —you know, the ones that are on fire.
In conclusion, as president, Brianne, I pledge to smite my way from coast to coast, parting the waters wherever they rise up to threaten our coastlines, fields and towns. You’re welcome, America. No worries, Brianne.
And Brianne, thanks for not asking me about the fires. The Boss did promise never again to destroy the earth with a flood, but fires…even President Sanders can only push Him so far.
